The Watermen (2011) Review

The WatermanHappy New Year, my fright friends. Did you have a lovely magical beautiful Christmas holiday? You did?….You disgust me! Luckily, I’m back with another wretched review from the darkness to address the balance. So why not start off this year with a humdinger of a horror; trashy slashy Chelsea Films production, ‘The Watermen’.

The film pits a merry crew of grotesque raspy-voiced fishermen who get their jollies from hunting the ultimate prey – virile young adults on sleazy sex cruises. It also stars Jason Mewes of ‘Jay and Silent Bob’ fame who adds his typical brand of comic relief to proceedings.

Immediately the film evokes, in me at least, memories of the original ‘Wrong Turn’. It usurps the elements and merely forces them to set sail. These watermen are tantamount to deformed backwood retards harvesting humans much like One-Eye, Saw-Tooth and Three Finger did.

In fact, there is a scene in ‘The Watermen’ in which they are performing somewhat of a eighth grade dissection gone wrong on one of the unfortunate victims whilst her friends hide and watch. Remember the cabin scene in ‘Wrong Turn’? If you do, then consider that re-enacted by the hook-handed fisherman from ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ and you’ve got yourself a brand new film, it seems.
The Waterman

Other than this, the film unapologetically douses itself in tawdry sex appeal. It knows what the fans want, so it offers naked hard bodies wherever it can. It’s slasher back to its fundamentals and it’s typical of a genre that has regressed in modern times in a patent attempt to re-establish the credibility it once had.The Waterman

However, for a budget just above one million dollars, director/writer Matt Lockhart’s film still manages to safely rival big budget Spring Break type horror howlers like ‘Shark Night 3D’ and ‘Piranha’ for style and ingenuity. It’s enough to make you wonder whether most of their finances are being squandered on Mojitos and Tequila Slammers whilst on location.

The remainder of the film’s inadequacies are compensated by the star of the show – Jason Mewes. Once again, he is back to his preadolescent hijinks as rich playboy, Trailor. If he’s not spying on the girls undressing through vents, he’s damn near teabagging his laptop webcam in a scene best left to the imagination. It’s all overwhelmingly sophomoric but we wouldn’t have it any other way. Coming from another actor we’d want to heave but Mewes has mastered this shtick spanning decades now. I liked him.

But if you think he’d be the one to grate on you, wait till you get a load of the remaining cast. If looks were talent they’d be Golden Globe nominees but a great set of tits does not a good movie make. I found myself shouting at the screen “KILL THEM ALL!” by the hour mark just so I didn’t have to bear witness to their airheaded delivery of dialogue any longer. In my opinion, these characters looked and sounded best when gutted and lifeless. Bad as actors yet, I suppose, to be expected in the context of tacky torture porn.

The WatermanThe Waterman

Ultimately, this film satisfies all the genre’s conventions; bloody kills, substandard acting and tasteless titillation. Let’s face it – these days, once you’ve seen one slasher, you’ve seen them all so don’t expect innovation, expect recreation.

Movie Rating: ★

★ ★ ☆ ☆ 



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