I don’t enjoy writing bad reviews, I really don’t. Okay I do enjoy it a bit but only because after losing a portion of my life watching a festering pile of feces parading as a horror film transferring my frustration and anger through furious stabs on the keyboard into a ranting review vents some of that disappointment and rage.
You may have guessed by now that Even Lambs Have Teeth is one of those terrible time wasting shit fests that seem to pop up like an unflushable turd in the toilet bowl of horror every so often this time taking the form of a rape revenge story setting two sexy teens against a town of hick stereotypes.
The plot sees quiet conservative Katie and her free spirited best friend Sloane, played by Tiera Skovbye and Kirsten Prout respectively, setting off to a hippy farm to work in exchange for a shopping trip to New York. Added to their facile consumerist dreams they do drugs at the start so you know it’s all going to go wrong for them pretty soon but hay they deserve it right
Taken up to a town nearby by Katie’s FBI agent uncle they stupidly except a ride from two cute local boys who drug them and chain them up in cargo crates, using them as sex slaves to sate the town’s perverted male populace and make the family some money.
When the paranoid but rightly so uncle gets suspicious and starts investigating into what has happened to the girls they are marked for death but they manage to escape deciding to get revenge on all those involved by tooling up and murdering everyone who wronged and raped them.
Cue scenes of setting people on fire, gory gratuitous murder and a barbed wire bat up the bum and you have the majority of Even Lambs Have Teeth a film so desperate to be cool and edgy and failing on nearly every front as it pumps out crap clichés and tired tropes offering absolutely nothing new to any of the genre’s it lazily rips off.
Let’s quickly talk about the positives though as surprisingly like finding a pound coin in a piss filled pub urinal the two lead actresses outshine everything else in the movie and I truly hope their careers take off unhindered by staring in this abysmal horror.
They almost but not quite making the experience watchable despite the useless script and direction both the responsibility of Terry Miles a man with far too many credits on his IMDB page to be excused this rotting garbage bin of a film.
Also at least you could say with a running time of 77 minutes Even Lambs Have Teeth was over quickly had it not seemed like it took an eternity to go by. And also what the fuck is up with selling an hour a 17 minute short as a feature? To me a feature film is 90 mins or nothing and given how played out all the ideas in this flaccid flimsy story are it’s a surprise they got to 77 minutes in the first place. Seriously at least half of the running time seems to take place in the car they steal as they sing along to god awful unknown songs on the radio driving around in the hope of spotting someone who raped them you know like you do.
On a serious side note the message of Even Lambs Have Teeth is also extremely worrying showing the audience that it is totally normal and sensible to be paranoid about everyone living in a small town because not only can none of them be trusted but they will probably snatch you up into white slavery and torture you for fun and that’s just the local cops.
More intelligent film writers have discussed rape revenge before and although it is deeply controversial there are some valid entries in the genre but this is far from one of them. The disturbing brutalization, humiliation and beatings the girls get only appears to exist so we can see them prance around in tiny pants and tops covered in blood looking sexy cool while they kill another hackneyed Hick in an ultra-gory way a prepubescent teen would come up with given the chance.
Lacking any depth or proper character development, true scares or entertaining shocks, Even Lambs Have Teeth is a boring toothless revenge thriller following the herd of other horrors like a stupid sheep hopping to blend in with the rest of the far superior flock.
Movie Rating:That’s half a point for each actress!