The Cloth (2013) Review

The Cloth

Just so you know the big CAPITAL LETTERS are intentional in the synopsis (Film company’s idea)

AS DEMONIC POSSESSIONS GROW, THE DEVIL GROWS STRONGER. The Apocalypse is coming. The Devil and his legions are ready for battle. They will wage a war that will see his armies walk the earth and the fire of eternal hell burn across the globe. Only a small group of men stand between him and the annihilation of the human race. They are members of a secret sect called ‘The Cloth’.

With only seven days to stop the invasion of ultimate evil, they will use every weapon at their disposable to halt the approaching darkness. Danny Trejo (Machete, Predators) and Eric Roberts (The Expendables, The Dark Knight), star in this explosively horrific fight between good and evil. THE BATTLE FOR HUMANITY HAS BEGUN.
The Cloth

The Cloth begins with two priests performing an exorcism on a young girl who vomits black liquid (?). She manages to free herself from the ropes binding her to the bed she has been tied to and then gyrates on the bed like an extra from Madonna’s Justify My Love! I was expecting male models to appear and everything for a minute, but they didn’t so on with the film!The Cloth

She is dispensed with what appears to be a gun with the power to shoot holy crucifixes made out of electricity! Am I being paid to watch this pile of crap. No, are you kidding me!?

As the film progresses we are treated to a bat cave within a church. Yeah, the wall rises up and hey ho we are presented with a flight of stairs into the bat cave. I was totally amazed at how they gained entry into it (I’m being sarcastic guys!). The film meanders along and I swear I am being led to believe that the church have guns for hire and even their own weapons expert in a James Bond stylee. It becomes apparent to me whilst watching the film that there are two many ideas with not enough time or budget to spend on explaining most of the action which is taking place in front of me. I become confused by what the film is trying to tell me and the amount of philosophical comments thrown in my direction whilst watching, makes me start to feel the wrong side of queasy. I watch the whole film but am let down by an ending which doesn’t really come across as dramatic and which leaves me thinking did I really wast 1 hour and 20 minutes of my life on this piece of crap?

This film supposedly had a budget of $4 million dollars. I find that very hard to believe unless they spent the majority of that budget on Danny Trejo’s appearance. It also had an appearance from Eric Roberts and I bet he didn’t come cheap either!

The Cloth

I would have liked to have listed this as a B movie, but I believe in all honesty that that would have been an insult to B movies as this is clearly a Z movie through and through. It’s a joke that six people are listed as doing the visual effects as they clearly could have been done by a 14 year
old at home on their PC. Just under an hour into the film one scene is acted out and it immediately turns into a different scene, with no explanation of what has happened. This is not good direction and shows inconsistency in looking at dailies when on set.

What made matters worse is the screener DVD is presented on a shrunk down screen and the quality is goddamn awful. As if any sane person with horror taste would be the least bit interested in pirating this pile of shit anyway! The only small saving grace is from the character Jason who appears to be a mixture of Prince William and Justin Timberlake. I’m sure any horrorettes watching The Cloth would be attracted to him and that’s probably part of the reason he was enlisted to star in the film.

The Cloth

Funniest line in the film: Somebody slap with me with the devil’s nutsack!

So would I recommend the film?

In a word NO! I wouldn’t wee on this film if it was on fire that’s how bad it was. Better luck next time!

Movie Rating: ½

☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 



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