I’ve just received a DVD called Lesbian Vampire Warriors. I wonder if the cast will have mustaches and dungarees? Who knows. Only way to find out is to stick the DVD in the player…
Our tale begins with two young couples finding a place to hide with the intention of getting more ‘friendly’ with each other. However, it appears that one of the guys only wants to dirty dance with his girlfriend, not knowing that the only thing on her mind is draining him of his blood. Both girls are just about to get a nice dose of the red stuff when a mysterious lady appears. She advises the guys that they need to check out their dates.
Before you can say number 35: Sweet & Sour Chicken please, the 3 ladies are involved in a kung fu fight. However, the vamps are not on their own and have brought 3 stooges with them. They are dusted quicker than a bag of prawn crackers and sweet and sour pork balls. I’m getting hungry for some lesbian action already. Where is it then?
Our mysterious lady is Ar (Bisto?), who is looking for a vampire called Sue (if she’s a lesbian, maybe she could be renamed A Boy Named Sue?) and she won’t let anyone get in her way whilst she is on her quest.
Ar, lives with her girlfriend who is a vampire. She and her family are vegetarians and they get by on draining the blood from small animals (How is that being vegetarian I am asking myself?).
Ar is intent on hunting down those vampires who drain the blood from humans and she feels they should be destroyed to preserve the well being of her fellow human kind. But during her quest, Ar discovers that a vampire Lord called Mung is attacking the vegetarian vampires and draining them of their blood, which is helping him no end to increase his power (plus he gets a few pints too, so to speak).
Predictably, it turns out that Mung also has Sue, who certainly does not look like a boy and is quite easy on the eye. Before long, we find out that Sue is Ar’s sister and that Mung is using her to lure other innocent vampires, who he is feeding on. As Ar is a threat to this, he must eradicate her.
Will Ar defeat Mung? Or will she too become a vampire forced to feed on those less fortunate than herself? You will have to watch the DVD to find out (if you don’t already have a good idea).
If there ever is a prize for misleading marketing, Lesbian Vampire Warriors would win it and then some. I was expecting a bit of lesbian action and some sexy scenes in this film but these never materialised. As for poor Ar, she isn’t even delegated a position on the DVD cover, so obviously she was deemed to be too plain to be a cover star.
The special effects aren’t bad, but the flying scenes are quite hilarious as it is most obvious that harnesses have been used to move the actors and actresses about. They’ve been digitally edited out but whoever directed the scenes was totally clueless on how to make the flying look realistic. I really did try to persist with this film but it ended up being just plain, plain boring.
There’s not much of a plot and to call yourself a lesbian film and not have any lesbian action in it is a complete joke. It’s like having a hot dog with no sausage, isn’t it?.
I am literally lost for any good things to say about this film and therefore, I can’t really recommend it to anyone, unless you want to only watch kung fu fight scenes of course. If I had made this film I would have certainly ensured there was a bit of lesbianism in it and it would have been a lot sexier than it was too. On a sexy level, the film is a cold fish.
So my recommendation is: Don’t rent or buy this film!
(And that’s being generous)