Before you read this review of Break take a moment to watch the trailer. Go on, it’s right at the bottom of the page, I don’t mind waiting, just click on it, there you go, see you in a minute.
Okay, so now you have seen the trailer for Break you have officially not only seen the whole movie, worked out the whole plot and all the characters. But you have also made up your mind about how crap it is you have also seen all the best bits. Sorry the best bit there is only one… Unless you include the credits at the end.
Let’s break (oh dear) Break down using what you have seen. Firstly it’s released by Trinity X, the same company who brought us Red, White and Blue and Inkubus and whose pedigree, movie choices and frankly mental state has to be questioned, not only when considering how bad those two films were, but once you realise how absolutely derivative and dire Break is.
So what comes next in the trailer? Well we see four girls in a car dressed like teenagers, but looking much older. They’re on their way to some woods for a camping holiday. The fact that my last sentence could describe one of ten thousand terrible horror movies and some excellent ones is enough for you to turn off, because sadly it gets so much worse.
As a set up for horror it ranks in the top 5 most overused scenarios, and brings with it a series of plot conventions and character clichés that you will have worked out long before the horror gets going. But with Break the horror doesn’t ever really get going, so it’s a long time before.
The trailer continues with its semi nudity, shots of the Canadian wilderness, hints of female bonding or lesbianism (don’t get your hopes up, there is no lesbianism) and footage of the annoying girl with her camera who is so much more annoying in the actual film – even her friends start to hate her. These are all things you could have predicted would have happened if I had simply read out a three line plot synopsis of Break to you aren’t they? I know they are because you’re clever and you love horror. Why else would you be here?
All of this is shown accompanied by some crappy badly made music. And let me assure you that this music is not only all over the full film but sounds even cheaper and grating when you are forced to hear it in its entirety.
From cheesy country to rubbish rock to terrible tension tracks the score will make you want to rip your own ears off and stuff them in the bloody gapping holes to block out even the chance of any more of the moronic music getting in, an act by the way which would be more scary and gruesome than anything that happens in Break and is pitifully punctuated by this sickeningly stupid soundtrack.
That music in the trailer unlike in the actual movie serves a purpose however and that is to distract you from the oddest element of Break, the fact that all four of the main characters are German. Now I don’t think there is anything wrong with them being German, the film is German and it is written, directed and edited by a German however Break seems to have a real problem with it.
Why else would the film not only have all the German actresses speak in English with heavy accents but never mention that they are German or have heavy accents and go on about their past growing up in America and worse of all have a scene where they all meet a German tourist who they mock for being a German tourist even though he sounds exactly like them.
And before I get an email from a Break fan (i.e the directors mum) okay maybe the actresses aren’t all German but they are all definitely have accents and they are definitely not American so why the hell make them pretend to be.
This strange self hatred is amazingly jarring leading to the audience spending the majority of the opening questioning there own ears (that is unless you tore them off already because of the music) and wondering when they will explain away there accents perhaps with a discussion of how they met on a university transfer programme or how they are spending their gap years abroad. These easy answers to their anarchic accents never materialise in fact the script just confuses things further. I mean even Jean Claude Van Damme films have the decency to tell you why the hell he’s talking like that so why can’t Break.
Oh yeah and lastly there’s the horror, I nearly forgot about it but then again so does Break so it’s no biggie.
As you can see in the trailer you have to wait a whole 50 seconds before anything approaching nasty even happens. In the film that wait is extended to 45 minutes (which feels like about 6 and a half days in crap horror time) an amount of time complete unacceptable when that build up as mentioned before is so predictable and pointless and doesn’t even answer the only question you will be asking – why do they all have German accents!
As you can see in the trailer Break is hick horror by the numbers with two unbelievably boring villains, one smart and thin and one stupid and fat, who first stalk then hunt then capture, rape, torture and kill the girls none of which will interest or entertain you as you wont care a bit who lives and dies.
Thankfully as I said earlier the trailer shows you the only good death in the whole film, the arrow through the camera killing of the infuriating character constantly snapping away at everything and everyone whose death is a sweet release for the audience but sadly marks the only moment of fun in the whole film.
Go on I bet your in a bad mood now aren’t you, go and watch her death again its fun, make sure you skip ahead to it though I wouldn’t want you watching any of Break by mistake, its 41 seconds in just after she really tediously sets up a group photo, did you see the way the arrow sticks the camera to her face, classic.
In the same way Break’s trailer ends with a rubbish looking car chase so too does the film however this car chase drags on forever doing little to raise any excitement or interest in what has up to that point been a complete waste of time for everyone involved including the cast and crew but most importantly the audience.
According to IMDB Break’s tagline is – No mercy, just Pain – a fitting epitaph for it and great advice for any viewer on what they will feel like if they make the unfortunate mistake of watching this film.
And thanks to LoveHorror and the wonder of trailers you now know to steer clear of this abortion of a film, see it was worth wasting 2 minutes not to waste 2 hours wasn’t it, don’t worry we love you all nearly as much as we love horror and you can thank us latter.