I am a massive fan of the inspiring, educational and historically accurate (ahem) Worlds Deadliest Warrior. This terrific programme takes two historical warrior tribes
and pits them against each other in a simulated battle to the death. It all involves testing weapons of old on what they call ‘ballistic gel busts’ and, more importantly, pig carcasses. There is a stupendous amount of fake blood and a frankly hazardous amount of posturing, fist pumping and whooping. In short – magnificent television.
So when I was offered the chance to review Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus I couldn’t have been more exited. Unfortunately it took about 10 minutes before this excitement dissipated and bemused indifference and a minor case of flatulence prevailed.
Our story is not much more complicated than the title suggests. During an illegal diamond mining operation in deepest darkest Africa, the miners unwittingly awake and release a humungous crocodile – the Crocosaurus! Elsewhere, in the Atlantic Ocean, the USS Gibson is attacked and sunk by a mind bogglingly ginormous Mega Shark! The scene is set.
Back in Africa, the peculiarly accented hunter Nigel Putnam (Gary Stretch), manages to sedate and capture the hefty Crocosaurus and arranges for its transport to God knows where via cargo ship. During its journey the Mega Shark strikes! The Crocosuarus is released! The titanic struggle begins!
What we have here is a low budget creature feature with acting you can fill a sandwich with and special effects that make the flight simulator in the Krypton Factor look eye-wateringly realistic.
Now I can appreciate a daft film, but Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus doesn’t quite have that spark to elevate it to the ‘so bad it’s good’ standard. Obviously I expected nothing more than thin plot punctuated by scenes of enormo-carnage meted out by the colossal creatures of the title. And more or less that’s exactly what you get. But
the story scenes are dull and populated by a stunning array of bonehead characters and the creature scenes are so badly animated they lack any sense of danger. A lot of these scenes are also re-used, excessively so towards the end, only serving to fuel my disinterest.
My favourite parts of this film include the perplexing accent of Gary Stretch and the confusing dimensions of the Mega Shark.
Research has revealed Mr. Stretch to actually have some acting pedigree, even receiving a BIFA nomination for his role in Dead Man’s Shoes. His performance here however gives the impression of a professional scenery chewer, gorging himself on stationary helicopter cockpits (we are to believe they are in the air), Kew Gardens made to look like Africa and the Dorset coast substituted for the Miami shoreline (I’m guessing on these last two points). You would think that it would make sense to cast a British actor to play a British character, and that’s exactly what the casting director went for. Only problem is they seemed to have picked the only British actor who doesn’t seem to have yet mastered a British accent. Baffling.
The Mega Shark has problems of its own. Its dorsal fin is spectacularly huge as it cuts a path through the water, seemingly brushing the underside of the moon. From
the scale of the fin the Mega Shark should be dishing out tidal waves in all directions with every movement of its tail. Thankfully this shark barely has any impact on the
oceans surface – largely due to it NOT ACTUALLY BEING THERE. Anyway when the mighty shark is fully revealed, it is always in a situation where it’s actually made to look pretty small and pathetic.
I could mention a few ridiculous and mildly entertaining scenes, but one or two of you might actually want to see this and therefore I don’t want to spoil it. But that really is all we’re dealing with here, a few mildly entertaining scenes punctuating a rather flat and fairly boring film. There is no way I could ever imagine a film called Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus being boring (just think of all those teeth!) but sadly this film is never as good as looking at the front cover while eating a cream bun.