There’s Something Rotten in Hollywood!

Let’s all be hipsters and throw our arms up in the air (no matter where we are) and shout at the top of our lungs “WE WERE INTO ZOMBIE FILMS BEFORE THEY WERE COOL!”

Technically it doesn’t really make you a hipster if you’re just a bit old and you remember the golden age of the living dead on film. Are you allowed to be a hipster if you’re in your mid-thirties or is that just part of the criteria?
Doesn’t matter, I can’t grow a beard anyhow.

I personally feel that there hasn’t been a good zombie film made since the nineties and that there won’t be an iconic zombie film made for quite some time.
Just look at the golden era, the 80’s and the amount of well-funded zombie flicks made is almost unending by today’s standards. Most of the efforts nowadays are cheap SOVs or worryingly bad re-makes of classic Romero movies. Day of the Dead was so bad I wanted to punch myself; zombies can’t run across ceilings like spiders no matter how ‘reanimated’ they are!

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Hover zombies? WTF!

I liked World War Z, but I don’t think it was a ‘pure’ zombie film. It was however a really high budget disaster movie that just so happened to have zombies in it.
Due to its mega-budget it also managed to pull off something that has been sadly lacking in films of its type which was a world view of a zombie apocalypse. Most zombie films stick to one location for example Romero’s original Dawn of the Dead; again this is purely due to budget. Not every film maker has Brad Pitt’s coffers at their disposal, so again, thanks WWZ for showing us the ‘bigger picture’.
It’s still not a zombie film though… Good, but not a zombie film, let’s get that right.

There have been some good efforts in recent years though due to the influx of hip new directors having a stab at the dead. Shaun of the Dead was not only a triumph for zombie film making but for the British film industry as a whole.
It did however lead to some rather poor spin offs and tenuously linked movies that paled in comparison. Juan of the Dead was an exception, a really cool little Cuban film with a low budget but a big bite, if you see it anywhere get, well worth a watch.
Also, Cockneys Vs Zombies is another example of good low budget British talent and another to keep an eye out for.

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“Luckily for you, zombies TURN ME ON”

Another of the recent trends that I have noticed is zombies with feelings. So many movies are falling into that young adult bracket and it’s starting to piss me off a little. There is a huge market for them but that shouldn’t be the sole reason to make a film.
Now this is the part of the article where it all get a little adult orientated, so if you’re a fan of the fucking Twilight saga please skip to the end… Or go masturbate to some Supernatural fan fiction or whatever you sad fuckers do.

I was around a girl’s house recently after the pub with a few friends and she said to me and my mate “Oh, I got this great zombie movie the other day” and she proceeded to put it on. What followed was not nice. Can you guess what pile of luke-warm cat sick it was?
‘Warm Bodies’… yeah, that!

It’s bad enough that the majority of mainstream horror that is poured into our cinemas is run of the mill jump scare haunted house/object/child flicks that are pretty much plot interchangeable; but for the love of gore, stop fucking with our monsters.
It was bad enough that some dunce thought it was a good idea that vampires ‘sparkled’ when light hit them, fuck that shit. Vampires burst into flames and died screaming when I was growing up watching tits and fang movies. Just look at the classic Near Dark if you want a romantic storyline and blood drinking psychos.
Some parts of the film are quite good and it suggests at the start that this might be a half good/half cleaver film but, (sorry for the pun/not sorry) it dies on its arse.
Why do people have to revamp things that don’t need re-vamping? I have no problem with bringing new ideas to the table and freshening things up a bit, but romance with gore? I can’t get behind that.
Monsters are monsters, let’s leave it that way.

leatherface_ref

I look at gore movies the same way as pornography, it a visceral experience witnessing things that are considered taboo, the innards of adult life if you like. I couldn’t think of a bigger mismatch than zombies and romance; imagine watching a romantic porno, it just wouldn’t work.
Some dude runs all the way to the airport to confess his undying love for his crush at the boarding gate just before she gets on to a plane heading for her dream job in Boston. She tells him that she can’t stay and boards the plane only to change her mind at the last minute, gets off the plane and chases the guy down. They embrace in the departure lounge while Coldplay plays over the top of the scene.
Next thing you know he’s hanging out the back of her in a dirty airport toilet stall using spit for lube and her head down the pan.

Actually, I’d probably watch that… Online… On my own… In my pants.

The point is I want to watch a zombie movie to see people getting eaten, ripped apart and generally getting shit all over them; not for them to fall in love and live happily ever after. Just like a porno; I’m not watching for the storyline or the scenery, or the acting talent, I want to watch people fuck.

And this brings me lumbering through the courtyard dragging my own guts behind me as to why I don’t like the hit AMC series The Walking Dead but why I watch it anyway.

Let’s start with why I don’t like it.

First off the story, it detracts away from the comic books severely yet tries to stay true to the linear storyline. So many characters have died/remained alive when they shouldn’t have.
Next up it’s the characters. I don’t mind the occasional badass that squints and talks with a husky voice but for fuck sake make them a believable badass. I can’t help but see Rick Grimes in a cardigan getting pissed in that series ‘Teachers’. And as for Darrel Dixon, the only reason he’s not dead yet is because of the pussy pulling power he has. He swings his crossbow and the world’s women get a simultaneous wide-on.
I can almost hear the inhalation of air from here.

sexy daryl dixon
“Hey laydees”

And boy is it ever slow. Just when you think you’re in for a thrill ride they all sit around and cry for two fucking episodes, come on.
‘Are they the monsters or are we?’ Fuck off!

But why do I watch this?

For the same reason that you do, Greg Nicatero and his team have put together some of the best zombie makeups in years. The gore factor is off the scale and it’s the only thing on TV with proper zombies in; it really is that simple. No bells, no whistles, no ‘I really like how the characters connect with each other and build a bond that the viewer can relate to’, none of that.

Blood and guts (no matter how putrid) will always win over a half decent storyline and acting talent any day of the week in the horror game… unless it’s ‘Hannibal’ on NBC because that show is just amazing.

I can’t be alone in this way of thinking, surely?

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About Gravesend Gore

After crawling his way back to the surface of the earth from his putrid tomb, Gravesend Gore set up a home entertainment system and lazy boy a mausoleum in Highgate cemetery. On certain nights when the stars are right and the air warm and still he can be heard howling with laughter as he watches scene after scene of brutal killings in his crypt/play room. He only ever emerges to purchase tea bags and biscuits from the corner shop and waits for the arrival of the postman with his Amazon orders.

1 comments

In response to Luke, is Rec really a zombie film? Or more a rabies/infection movie? There seems to be a lot of blurring of these lines (including World War Z as mentioned in the article).
For me, zombies are the dead rising.

Another worrying thing about softening monsters is that we are perhaps so desensitised by horror that vampires and zombies are kinda normal, acceptible and likeable now.
How long until the modern day equivalents are okay to like (torture porn characters etc).

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