The critically acclaimed sketch storytellers known as The Beta Males were eager to share their views on what the all time Top 10 Horror Films are. This quirky comedy quartet were fast to compile the list of films that are (or should have been) the most memorable in the history of horror.
Top 10 Horror Films by The Beta Males
The Beta Males are proud to present, in no particular order, our all-time favourite horror films.
1. The Gentleman Whose Profession It Was To Purvey Sugared Treats (1979)
“His only profession… Was to purvey sugared treats”
Crudely remade thirteen years later as the popular but deeply inferior “Candyman”, TGWPIWTPST, as it is known by the fans, or “TGWPIWTPSTers”, as they like to be known, popularised the cult figure of twisted Dr. Sugarchild, a man who ate so many sweets he literally became a doctor. A blistering – and much needed – expose of the confectionery industry.
2. Egg!! (1982)
Paul Marshall’s seminal 80s shocker, though far less popular than later works such as “Starship Awesome!” (1987) and “Dogopolis” (1991), remains his most powerful, and second-most egg-related film. A searing satire on 80s consumerism and the perils of rampant fertilisation, “Egg!!” earns all two of its exclamation marks.
3. The Day The Earth Stood Krill (1952)
“Hey Earthlings! Take a krill pill!”
Audacious rip-off of “The Day The Earth Stood Still”, but with aquatic plankton replacing all the leads. Somehow, this makes the whole tale more otherworldly and terrifying. Makes more sense if you’ve seen the original. (See also: “Be Careful What You Fish For” )
4. The Devil’s Stepson (1985)
“You’re not his real dad… And that makes him real mad!”
A classic possession film, The Devil’s Stepson features two unfortunate parents, inadvertently adopting a demon child. We won’t spoil the ending, but you can really imagine yourself in their shoes, standing at the altar with that knife, and not feeling any remorse either. Powerful social message.
5. Killbus (1992)
“You spend all day waiting for a bus… And then it kills you”
You haven’t been scared of buses until you’ve seen Killbus. Oddly appropriate cameo from Dick Van Dyke.
6. The Goose That Saved Hitler (1977)
“This plucky customer is doing the Reich thing, come Hell or Heil water!” (Changed in Germany to: “You can’t lead a goose to water, but you can get him to save Hitler” [German proverb])
We’re pretty scared of waterfowl as it is, so this nasty bit of 70s horror really pushes our buttons. Once the goose saves Hitler’s life and gets imbued with the power of the Spear of Longinus, things really start to get weird. The score is strangely beautiful for something so violent.
7. Lament of the Crabhands (?????? – Kani Te no Nageki) (1991)
Super HappySad Crab Shine WowCrab! (Translated from the Japanese)
A little known Takashi Miike flick, “Crabhands” follows a poor Japanese fisherman who loses his hands to a propeller; the only way to save him is to stitch two live crabs to the stumps. For all the blood and terror (and this film positively throbs with blood and terror), at it’s heart it’s a moving tale of what it is to be a man. A man with crabs for hands.
8. The Drawers Are Full of Acid (2000)
“Don’t open the drawers… Because they’re full of acid!!”
Paranormal office thriller set in New York, where a work experience girl discovers that all the ink is turning into acid and is wiping out her co-workers one disgusting, fleshy, burning mess at a time. It made us really paranoid about our pens.
9. A Man Discovers Something Untoward In A Hat (1897)
“Ceci n’est pas un chapeau”
The one that started it all! The Granvillier Brothers couldn’t have predicted the riot their ten franc “horreur” would unleash upon Paris or – indeed – the millions of imitators we enjoy to this day. Some may say that – over a century later – the film has lost its power to shock but imagine yourself peeking into a zoetrope, wearing a hat and you can begin to understand why so many pâtisseries were burnt down that day. Shivertastic!
10. Float (1994)
“Float! Float for your lives!”
Ambitious and pleasingly mucous-obsessed adaptation about a Vampire with a hovercraft. Frantic bayou chases! Fans! Fangs! Float has it all! And who can’t love the final twist. “All of Florida is a Vampire?” Oh yes, it is! Based on supposedly “unfilmable” Stephen King novel, The Shining.