Although it’s released in UK cinemas today, I’m not going to go and watch M. Night Shyamalan’s The Visit.
I’m a horror movie reviewer. A journalist. It’s my duty to go out there and watch as many films as I can report back to the world on what I thought. I do this to save you guys from having to endure trite, trashy, pointless films. Films that are a waste of your precious life.
But The visit is where I draw the line. I didn’t watch a preview screening, I’m not watching it today and I may never watch it ever. And I’m going to give you three reasons why.
3 Reasons Why I’m Not Watching The Visit Tonight
1. M. Night Shyamalan’s trademark ‘twist’
Sure, there might not be a twist in The Visit. Maybe it’ll be M. Night Shyamalan’s first film ever to not have one. And maybe that in itself WILL be the twist (meaning that it does actually have one?!?)
Fact is, by the time we got to The Village we all got so preoccupied with looking for the twist, that we stopped caring about everything else. And as soon as you work out that twist, early on, because you’re doing nothing but trying to guess it, the film is ruined.
And then the most satisfaction that you can get out of the movie (rather than actually enjoying it) is being able to turn to the person next to you who has never seen an M. Night Shyamalan film and say ‘I told you so!’
2. The cameo
M. Night Shyamalan’s movies do draw the crowds and they sure do attract some decent acting talent. So why is it that he always has to appear in his own film?
I mean, I hate it when Stan Lee does it in the Marvel films, he’s so smug and most of the time, giving a knowing grin. But you know what? At least Lee is a legend in his own right, being the granddaddy of comic book characters. Plus he’s old, so give him a break.
M. Night Shyamalan on the other hand, is not yet legendary and I doubt he will ever be. His ‘cameos’ usually stretch to actual parts, playing characters integral to the plot – like when he plays the doctor that killed The Reverand’s wife in Signs – and that’s just arrogant.
When you have Samuel L. Jackson or Bruce Willis or Mel Gibson or Mark Walberg or Sigourney Weaver in one of your films, at least do them the honour of not sullying their picture with your amateur performance.
3. The Happening
So I saw The Sixth Sense and was entertained. I saw Unbreakable and I was intrigued. I watched Signs and was let down. I watched The Village and came out Angry. And I don’t quite know why I ended up watching The Happening, but by the time that film ended I was sure that I wouldn’t watch an M. Night Shyamalan film again.
To begin with there wasn’t too much to dislike. People mysteriously dying, Mark Walberg playing a (rather unconvicing) intelligent science teacher with the body of an athlet, and all the elements of your usual disaster movie. It’s a race against time… Will Walberg find a cure? Will anyone survive?! And WHAT IS KILLING EVERYONE?
So what would be the stupidest ever answer to that last question? How about ‘wind’? Like the stuff that blows everywhere, not the gastric type.
Strictly speaking it’s a toxin in the wind that kills, but the fact that there are long scenes when the characters are trying to out-run the wind (and manage to from time to time) it’s just silly. Too silly.
How would you outrun the wind? It can go as fast as it likes. And what would be the point? Moving air is hardly the sort of thing you can go about your daily life avoiding.
So how did the idea ever become a film in the first place? I can bet that pretty much everyone in the world would get laughed out of the production house if they suggested ‘a killer breeze’ movie.
I’ll tell you why, because the writer walked in and said “I’m M. Night Shyamalan bitches! Remember The Sixth Sense? Huh? That’s right. Now sign my damn cheque.”
I hope that The Visit isn’t that bad. And I hope that all of you people that do go to see it have a great time. Maybe M. Night Shyamalan has changed his ways? Or maybe we’ll just all grow to love his old ways and keep going back for more.
I don’t hate the guy and there are plenty more people making worse films than him. But when you start making movies that gross more than $290 million dollars (The Sixth Sense) I expect big things. New things. Things that are worthy of my time.