and as such I relished the idea of watching a movie in which he must surely be subjected to all kinds of horrible nasty badness during which time I might be entertained.
The movie is called Camp Hell, and so I imagined that his character would go off to some sort of camp, whereupon there’d be some voodoo magic, minor characters would die, Eisenberg would be terribly cut up about the whole thing, then it’d all turn out to be his fault or his head would explode or both, and basically that it’d be a bit crap but he’d be miserable and I would laugh. Ha ha ha, right?
For starters, Eisenberg doesn’t go anywhere. He’s in the film for about three minutes, does a bit of that top notch Oscar quality ‘acting’ that he’s become so famous for (ie is shit), then dumps the rest of this god awful movie in our laps like the clumsy ignorant waiter he so deserves to be.
OK, so some other kid goes off to camp – big deal. Don’t know him, don’t like him, don’t care. Great start. After this, there is no voodoo magic. Instead there is a huge amount of Christian dogma, with a lot of mumbo jumbo about how girls are all sluts until they’re married, sinning is really really bad, and masturbation makes you die. Oh and Satan (The Big Meanie) really wants you to like rock music and comic books so that you’ll have something to talk about when you join his non-stop party in hell.
After this, nobody dies and nothing really happens, except for some unpleasant visions, which really aren’t that bad and, besides, they’re the least those naughty teenagers deserve for not quite having sex with each other. Dreadful! Dreadful! Dreadful!
Watching this film was like watching any sub-par supernatural slasher movie, but with all the scares, sex and murder edited out for no good reason other than to piss me off. As you can tell, it worked. This is bad.
I can find no reason to recommend that anyone watch this film, the only exception being if Jesse Eisenberg were to come round to your house and you wanted to make him pay for the time you wasted watching The Social Network because everyone told you you should.
Maybe then he’ll think twice before pulling some shit like this again.