Bloodstorm (2012) Review

Bloodstorm

Bloodstorm The most important thing you need to know about Bloodstorm is that its original title was not Bloodstorm. The original, more descriptive, more imaginative, more evocative and downright more insanely superior moniker was in fact Nazis at the Center of the Earth.

With a movie named Bloodstorm you don’t know what you’re getting. Is it about a literal storm of blood getting in everyone’s eyes and causing them to fall over and crash their cars and stuff?
Or is it a figurative blood filled storm emerging from the fury and ferocity of whatever creature of horror is tearing its way through the unsuspecting innocents?

With an undescriptive, derivative and frankly lame title like Bloodstorm who can tell?!

Nazis at the Center of the Earth on the other hand, now that quite wonderfully says it all. Especially when the plot involves a team of scientists and researchers who have two of their group abducted by gas mask wearing, swastika bearing, nasty Nazi’s who drag them off to their evil lair – you guessed it – at the centre of the earth.

Bloodstorm
“So you guys knew this movie was really called Nazi’s at the Centre of the Earth as well? Cool we all know what we’re here for then!”

With the rest of the team following behind, it’s not long before the brainiacs are captured themselves. Soon the Fourth Reich’s dastardly plot is revealed as their leader Dr. Josef Mengele (played by Daniel Craig’s evil father lookalike, Christopher Karl Johnson) forces the scientists to help him in reconstructing his fascist army which has been hidden away from the free world while they have been working on world takeover.

Bloodstorm
You’ll always be Nazi’s at the Centre of the Earth to me whatever you call yourself Bloodstorm!

Wielding futuristic disintegrating weapons and thirsty for victory, Mengele and his super scary soldiers have survived by harvesting the skin and body parts of other unsuspecting victims, thus making them into a mixture of monstrous parts, driven by the original aim of their leader – to create the perfect Aryan world.

If the plot sounds ridiculous it’s because it is and thankfully for Nazis at the Center of the Earth, sorry I mean Bloodstorm, it embraces its own wonderful absurdity. This makes it far more entertaining than other more recent Nazi zombie movies, who take the concept far too seriously (Outpost 2 I am talking about you!)

The cast, including Face/Off and The Girl from the Naked Eye’s Dominique Swain and the always enjoyable Jake Busey from The Frighteners and Starship Troopers are well aware of what sort of film they’re making. They play it straight as possible ’til the end and enjoying every minute.
High on stupidity and low on budget the effects are of the ‘direct to video’ kind, found in mockbusters and TV movies that populate pound shops all over England. At the start they are painfully bad.

Bloodstorm
“No I am not James Bond’s father and yes I do get that a lot”

With Antarctica appearing as either a white studio or a terrible green screened effect with an awful cg snowmobile, the only thing worse is the way the climbing scenes are shot, side on, like in the old school Batman TV series. In fact you keep expecting Adam West to walk by and say hello.
Luckily though, once they get to the Nazis at the Center of the Earth, the gore takes over, the action amps up and as the plot spirals further into the surreal and stupid the film becomes far more entertaining, culminating in the reveal of Mengele’s master machine, a robot Hitler.

Bloodstorm
ROBOT HITLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes that’s right, robot Hitler and believe me he is every bit as amazing as you are imagining (if you are imagining a terrible computer generated mustachioed mechanoid with Gatling guns for hands and a laser beam in his chest).

Blending elements of The Thing and Journey to the Centre of the Earth, Bloodstorm’s major influence, taking into account the cyber Fuhrer and Nazi UFO, is actually Wolfenstein 3D via Iron Sky – which is no bad thing, especially if the elements are added in such a cheesy and entertaining way.

Bloodstorm

Bloodstorm is not in the least bit scary or dramatic, in any way at all, and the only lesson you will learn from it is that Nazis are bad – something I hope you all realise already. It is however amusing and gross and full on fun and worth watching for the robot Hitler alone.

If only they would go back to calling it Nazis at the Center of the Earth I may have increased its score!

Movie Rating: ★★½☆☆ 

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Once a regular human named Alex, Zombie2 now has little recollection of his former life... More

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